Envy, Jealousy, and Greed

Have you ever felt as if your life is being intruded upon psychically or spiritually? You may have someone in your life that is struggling with envy, greed, or jealousy. It can be a psychically draining experience. As a therapist, you have definitely experienced this in the form of transference from a patient. The patient may appear indifferent, or start making devaluation statements of self. He or she could also make both blatant, and passive forms of attacks at you. This could look like criticism, boundary violation, acting out behaviors, covert and overt manipulation attempts, re-scheduling, attempts at omnipotent control, or devaluing type statements, among other examples. Here are some clues so you know what to look out for: There is a distinction between envy, jealousy, and greed.

Envy is when you have an angry feeling toward what another person possesses. It is a destructive impulse and undermines feelings of love and gratitude. Envy truly destroys, and the person who feels envy, wants to take away from the other. Envy is aimed at putting badness into another, and generally involves two people. If you are feeling envious, think about what you might be feeling inside that you want to project on to someone else. Are you feeling less than? Do you feel insecure? Do you feel not good enough? Are you happy in your own life? Do you constantly compare your life with others? What bad part of yourself are you trying to project onto someone else? Envy is both powerful, and primitive, and it can truly destroy someone’s core self and soul. Once you go down the envy path, it is hard to turn back around. Your whole being radiates green, and you walk, talk, and breathe envy.

There are many defenses a patient will use to protect his or herself against envy, such as: idealization, omnipotence, denial, splitting, and devaluation of the object.

Let’s take an example of a divorced couple. The wife re-marries, and the ex-husband is envious of the wife and her life with her new husband. Example of idealization related to envy: “My ex-wife is the best, we will most likely get back together, there is no one that can ever measure up to her.”

Example of omnipotence related to envy: “I am an amazing doctor, so my ex-wife’s new husband could never measure up to me.”

Example of denial related to envy: “My ex-wife will come back to me. She will come to her senses soon enough, and she will leave her new husband.”

Example of splitting related to envy: “My ex-wife is such a great person, her new husband is a real jerk. How could she have loved me, if she loves someone like him?”

Example of devaluation of the object related to envy: “My ex-wife was never a good mother anyway.”

All of these defenses are unconsciously created to lessen the pain the ex-husband feels when he is burdened with the unfortunate feeling of envy as his wife starts her new life ultimately in a better situation for herself. The ex-husband wants both the wife and the new husband to feel his pain, and to feel the badness. The only path to happiness for him, is to have acceptance, and to be secure with himself. He must learn to love his entire self, and to stop projecting onto others the pieces of himself that he does not like.

Greed is an impetuous craving, exceeding what the subject wants and needs. Its’ aim is to devour. At the unconscious level, greed aims at sucking dry and devouring the breast. Do you find yourself pushing the envelope and being greedy? Are you doing this because you are angry? Do you feel empty inside?   Ask yourself: why do you feel the need to devour, to fill yourself up and to be whole? Did you breastfeed as an infant? Do you ever feel completely satiated? Do you feel whole, or do you feel like you are constantly searching for missing parts of yourself? Perhaps it is time to start a gratitude list, and re-center yourself so that you do not let greed take hold.

Jealousy is based on envy, but involves a relation to at least two people. It is involved with love that the subject feels is his or her due, and has been taken away. It fears to lose what it has. Despite its bad name – jealousy is not nearly as destructive as envy, and comes from a place of love. With jealousy, there is still love for the object, instead of a desire to annihilate and project badness onto the object, as with envy.

As therapists, we need to sit with our patients as they project both positive and negative transferences on to us, and both love and hate. Our patients will project envy, jealousy, and greed onto us, and we will also experience this in our own lives. We will have people who want to like us, but also cannot help but hate parts of us. Help your patient integrate their sense of self, so that they can tolerate feeling both anger and love, and so that at the end of the day, love wins out.