Narcopathy and Flying Monkeys, oh my!
I had a light bulb moment this week. A trusted colleague and advisor said, Courtney, you are dealing with a textbook “NARCOPATH!” She then said, beware of the flying monkeys! This all sounds like gibberish, I know. But, the more and more I read and researched --- the more it made sense. Calling someone a Narcopath is a label. For the purpose solely of this article, and understanding certain personality traits, I am going to move forward with this label.
So what is a Narcopath? And what on earth are flying monkeys?! Narcopathy is a pop psychology term – it is not in the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). What it means is that an individual meets the criteria for at least two Cluster B “personality disorder” classifications in the DSM. Cluster B personality disorders are most often characterized by manipulative, controlling, emotional, or unpredictable thinking, actions and behavior. They include, antisocial, borderline, histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders. Many times when encountering someone with a Cluster B Personality Disorder, one might be left feeling emotionally and psychically drained after an interaction with this person. It is not this person’s fault for having these characteristics - the person often has suffered some form of early childhood trauma; has a large sense of feeling worthless, bored, purposeless, and lacking a sense of self and identity.
According to psychodynamic and object relations theories, many Cluster B disorders are caused by parental lack of empathy and attunement during development, and this early attachment trauma. As such, the individual does not develop the full capacity to acquire self-esteem. According to Kohut, the narcissistic adult vacillates between an irrational overestimation of the self and irrational feelings of inferiority, and relies on others to regulate his or her self-esteem and give him or her a sense of value (McLean, 2007). Every human being has narcissistic traits– it makes us human. But a true Narcissist, whether overt or covert, grandiose, fragile, or high functioning, has very deep narcissistic wounds, and experiences empathic failures and wounds to the ego on extremely deep, and intolerable levels. But I digress.
Generally, I have noticed that someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder will present with an agenda, demanding a solution. He or she will be charming, but guarded, and will often want me to agree with his or her point of view. I will feel the person’s energy, and feel the person’s emotion strongly, and carry it with me. He or she may have a checkered work history, and a checkered relationship past.
So what is this Narcopath stuff? A Narcopath is a blend of Antisocial and Narcissistic Personality Disorders. I first noticed the combination of these disorders with an individual when I noticed the individual’s self-centered behavior, impaired impulse control, low frustration tolerance, lack of ability to plan, impulsivity, and difficulty in managing emotions. Then I started to notice that when I would see this person, the eyes would seem blank, and it would be as if the eyes were looking straight through me. I then noticed the lack of give and take, lack of ability to relate and empathize, and the opportunism. Narcopaths are excellent at using people, and getting exactly what they need and want, exactly when they need and want it. They are skilled puppet masters. Like narcissists, they routinely hop between relationships and jobs, change appearances and political parties. They do not have a sense of who they are. Narcopaths tend to be more subtle and covert in their lack of self-esteem, but they have a low sense of themselves.
As stated by the group, Flying Monkeys Oh My…..
“Narcopaths routinely hop between relationships and jobs with little to no transition time or reflective thought in between. One day or year they will be married and work at job, while the next week they will hate their former partner, have walked out on the old job, and heavily ensconced themselves in taking on a new identity.”
I have also observed the Narcopath tends to have love hate and push/pull relationships with others. They use people and attempt to get what they want from them.
To be clear and to spot traits of a Narcopath, here are traits of both Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial personality Disorder according to the DSM-V:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Traits:
Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Self-centeredness
Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Requiring constant admiration
Having a sense of entitlement
Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Taking advantage of others to get what they want
Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Being envious of others and believing others envy them
Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
Anti-Social Personality Disorder Traits:
Disregard for right and wrong and boundaries
Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others
Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure
Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated
Revisionist history
Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence
Lack of empathy for others
Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others; reckless driving
Poor or abusive relationships
Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them
Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work, home, or financial obligations
Narcopaths love picking on empaths when they feel empty inside and bored. The signs you might be involved with a Narcopath include (Huffpost 2017):
They are revisionists about history, they forget details conveniently and gaslight and revise history to suit their version and needs
They are opportunistic and manipulate others to get their needs met
They move from zero to one hundred quickly - have a bad temper, and cannot manage their anger
They do not have a sense of identity and switch from job to job and relationship to relationship
They will put you on a pedestal and then tear you down – be very sweet one week and then not nice the next.
They flatter you with compliments and comparisons “oh my sister says you are so skinny, oh my father thinks you are just great”
They are passionate people and are very charming – usually take on many projects at once
Their eyes are windows to nothingness and they often stare at you and you feel as if they might be looking through you
They are quick to interject and always share a similar experience with you to indirectly give one uppers and let you know that they know better
They have a checkered relationship history and have a hard time maintaining relationships
They use large words with little substance
They give or are involved in charities simply because it makes them look good
So what are flying monkeys?? Narcopaths carefully calculate picking out others close to their victim to control and manipulate on their behalf. These individuals are called “flying monkeys.” The flying monkeys enable and allow the Narcopath to continue with the bad behavior and to continue tearing someone down. The flying monkey may either be knowingly or unknowingly carrying out the Narcopath’s bidding. The bidding may include gossiping, painting the Narcopath as the victim (oh I feel so badly for him or her), spying, etc. Despite this, the Narcopath does not hesistate to turn against the flying monkey when and if they need. Sadly, the flying monkey often has no idea they are being used by the Narcopath, and gets sucked in and trusts and loves the Narcopath despite the fact they are being used.
How can you tell if you are being used as a flying monkey by a Narcopath?
You find yourself overly invested in the Narcopath’s life well after you should be – e.g. after a divorce, or after the relationship should be over. You find yourself overly invested in the Narcopath’s problems, and the Narcopath’s enemies become your enemies without any real proof. You find yourself using the same words the Narcopath uses when describing an incident without even questioning it.
What is the best way to handle a Narcopath?
Do not get sucked in. Narcopaths want you to engage with them. They are dying for attention and engagement, even if it is negative engagement. The best way to engage is to not engage at all. Do not take the bait. Remain level headed and calm and do not let your emotions get the best of you. If children are involved and it is a divorce situation, give yes and no answers, and stick to the facts. Make sure the children know that you are there for them, and provide positive encouragement and feedback to them. Stay on the same page as your partner and do not let the Narcopath try to split you. Remember, Narcopaths can be very high functioning, intelligent, articulate, energetic, outgoing, and charming. They have an energy that will draw you in.
Narcopaths are adept at making their victims take on their guilt, and feel guilty for them. They are true puppet masters over their flying monkeys and over individuals in their lives who they use for their benefit. They will repeat lies often enough as if they believe telling a lie so often will transform it into the truth. They will revise history and actually believe the lie they are saying is true. They use proxy recruitment by getting friends and other people involved and spread smear campaigns that are false – including with children, friends, community members and family. Narcopaths can cause actual complex trauma for an individual who might be victimized by them if the individual is forced to endure it for long enough. Do not get pulled or charmed in. Do not become a flying monkey! Be aware and notice if you are getting pulled in. You can have empathy without becoming a puppet. The Narcopath’s self-importance is masking a very fragile, lost, inadequate, lonely and anxious person underneath, who has no sense of ego strength and no sense of self, rooted in a deep deep fear of negative self experience, a lack of childhood attunement, and the inability to tolerate certain aspects of him or herself.